Famous Quotes
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-Lillian Carter
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:
"No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week,
I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister,
and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and
a good ending...
and to have the two as close together as possible.
-George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
-Mark Twain
What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
-Mark Twain
By all means, marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then, she stops to breathe.
-Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which,
if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
- Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing.
It was here first.
- Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.
- Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness...
but it does bring you
a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
- Henny Youngman
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
- Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if
it came a little later in life.
- Herbert Henry Asquith
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- WC. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down
if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation...
as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-Winston Churchill
The cardiologist's diet:
if it tastes good, spit it out.
Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
