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BRITISH HUMOUR
From the British Newspapers:
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for
shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it
was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening
News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a
search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a
Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks
like. (The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a
set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A
coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The
Times)
At the height of the gale, the
harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the
wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if
it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe,
delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who
was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945,
she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses
came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil
Hitler." (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
A list of actual announcements that London
Tube train drivers have made to their passengers:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for
the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of
course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to
cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".
"Your delay this evening is caused by the
line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his
backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
"Do you want the good news first or the bad
news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and
had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere
between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our
destination."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the
delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore
stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass
some time together. All together now...'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall...'"
"We are now travelling through Baker
Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they
had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think
about things like that."
"Beggars are operating on this train,
please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare
change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
During an extremely hot rush hour on the
Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this
way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not
provided."
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!"
(Pause) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm
going home."
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not
to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and
separate instructions."
"Please note that the beeping noise coming
from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw
yourself or your bags into the doors."
"We can't move off because some idiot has
their f*****g hand stuck in the door."
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey
coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the
doors' don't you understand?"
"Please move all baggage away from the
doors (Pause) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause) This is a
personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of
the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away
from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways."
"May I remind all passengers that there is
strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you
are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the
carriage."
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