**A SENIOR MOMENT**
 
 A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it
 amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
 Dear Sir:
 I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to  pay my plumber last month.
 By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have lapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to
 honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Social Security check, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for
 only eight years.
 You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
 also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
 caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
 incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
 I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
 letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
 overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
 From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
 person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no
 longer be
 automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally
 and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be
 aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person
 to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
 Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.
 I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
 him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please
 note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned
 by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial
 situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
 accompanied by documented proof.
 In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
 must quote in dealings with me.
 I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
 modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
 account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
 sincerest form of flattery.
 Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press
 buttons as follows:
 1-- To make an appointment to see me.
 2-- To query a missing payment.
 3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am here.
 4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
 5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
 6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
 7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is
 required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
 Authorized Contact.)
 8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
 9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put
 on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
 While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
 play for the duration of the call.
 
 Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
 establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
 May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
 Your Humble Client
 (Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman)